Friday, January 29, 2016

My Fellow Anglos - Comedy Monologue

M Y   F E L L O W   A N G L O S

Never been too good with the whole; public speaking, thing, but here it is. I am president. I didn't actually think this would happen, you know? One day I am sitting in the bathroom of a Chili's writing some last minute material for a gig I had at this bar on Santa Monica, and now I am here. Who thought being funny would have qualified me to lead the free world.

My fellow Americans… Who opens a speech that way? It's so weird. Of course I'm American. I mean, I couldn't be German and the President, right? That's ridiculous. They outlawed that kind of thing right?

My stomach hurts. There's just, so many fucking people out there. Like… Oh my god, hundreds of people. Could be thousands, I don't know. Was never a, count the amount of jelly beans in the jar kind of guy. I think I am going to shit myself. 

I'm not ready for this. I'm not. What the hell was I thinking? Running for President. It was supposed to be a fucking joke, people! Do we not get jokes anymore?

Fuck! What have I done? Okay, yeah, I'm definitely going to shit myself. Feels like someone gave me an ipecac enema. I'm gonna end up shooting off of the toilet like one of those water pumped rockets.

Okay, Ethan. Get it together. You can't shit your pants on the first day. What would Obama do? Shit… What would Obama do? I have no idea. I don't watch the news, that shit is depressing. No, wait… What would Geroge Bush Junior do? Stumble his way through a speech, tell a fucked up joke, and spike the microphone. Alright, yeah, that might work.

Some guy is waving to me. Should I wave back? I point to myself as if asking, you want me? He looks at me like I'm retarded. Not a good start. I take those first steps towards the lights, behind the curtain, into the view of screaming crowds of people.  Expectant, hungry people, all looking up to me to feed them. Feed them what?

You know what? Screw this whole, my fellow anglo saxons shit. I'm going out there like a boss.

I'm gonna tell a dick joke.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Less Than Human Interaction - Drama Monologue

Less Than Human Interaction
Drama Monologue

I've kind of forgotten what it was like to have friends. I communicate with people who say they are my friends, but that's it. Can you call a facebook friend a friend? If so, I got a ton of those.

I just wish it was easier you know? To get to know people, and god knows I've tried. I just get the feeling that people aren't interested in making new friends, like as if the idea of having someone else in your life who is asking for a slice of your free time is just too big a commitment. Social media becomes a sort of screening process for who is worth your time, and who is worth just one hundred and forty characters.

I swore I would never sign up for an account on one of those sites ever again, but… I go through these bouts of, I don't know, I guess it's depression. I just feel like I am so far away from everyone I know, so far removed from what I know, that all I want is to touch something real, and if I can touch it, or hear it's voice, I would at least like to pretend it's real.

I started drinking again. I said I wouldn't, I know, but it's the only thing that keeps me off the ledge anymore. I just wish I knew where to go from here. I'm on an island. I put myself here, for sure, but how do I get off?

It's like I'm waiting for someone to come swing by on a boat and pick me up. It doesn't happen that way. I know it. So you know what? That's it. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm gonna get on the beach, jump in the water and start swimming for the mainland, because isolation is bad enough, but feeling sorry for yourself is even worse…

I wonder what's on Netflix?