Friends - Comedy Monologue

Here's one from the archives, back when I used to call myself Will Huxley.

F R I E N D S

Friends.  Friends is a funny word. First of all it assumes that more than two people actually like you. Which I personally don’t think is possible. I mean think about it, these are people who live vast differences apart from one another, pretending to like being around you. 

You ever notice when you say something to someone, how they might sit still and frozen for a moment, as if processing the information, and without responding, go back to whatever activity they were embroiled in. 

Let’s say you said it again louder, perhaps you were making sure they heard you. 

Let’s say you continue to assault your victim, by asking, “Do you know what I mean?” Over and over. 

What you don’t realize is this person is trying to ignore you, because you have said something so insulting, that they are considering whether or not to continue being your friend. 

It really is a crap shoot, you never know when you are going to say something that can end this friendship at any moment. Yet we continue to say friends. My friends, your friends, BFF best friends forever, far flung friends, and my favorite, friends with benefits. But we continue to use the word “friends” to describe what amount to unsteady cease fires in a middle eastern country. Shaky at best. 

I would say it's an alliance. Two people get together every once in a while to fight off boredom, that's all this shit is, a cure from sitting around your house doing nothing. Now you can go over to someone else's house and do nothing there! 

But you can't be a boring friend, no sir. You have to keep your friends entertained. Make sure to keep the good times going, have to have plenty of things going on at once. 

Maybe you can watch a movie. Maybe you can watch a movie, and listen to music. Maybe you can watch a movie, listen to some music, while you text someone on your cellphone. Maybe you can watch a movie, listen to some music, while you text a friend, while your other friend watches videos on his iphone. Let's say you watch a movie, listen to music, while you text a friend, while your other friend watches videos on his iphone, and updates his fucking facebook, while the cat licks his asshole, and then one of you shouts above the dub step music playing in the background: "Having a great time!"

God people are fucking boring...